It was my birthday earlier this month (we went to Goa it was amazing) now I'm 29! Fuck! I know where did that come from? In my head I'm still 19! and shock horror I have been single for a good while now, but actually even more shockingly for the rest of the world who seem to be settling down, I have been pretty damn happy about it. In that time I have done a million amazing things all 100% of my choosing and for my own happiness!
My whole adult life I have chosen my own path, going to college then university then work. I chose who to be friends with, who to like and who to trust and fall in love with. This was all supported by my friends and family whether it all ended good or bad but ultimately it was my decision to make and I am 100% happy with the choices I have made because they were mine. I am, for all intents and purposes, "happy and carefree" and I know for a fact not a lot of 29 year olds can say the same thing, So yes I know, I am lucky.
The reason I am writing this is because I have recently been to an Indian Wedding - which some of you may have seen photos on my facebook. A beautiful bride and her family were kind enough to invite us and let the crazy foreigners go in for a close up and ask a lot of seemingly silly questions about the ceremonies and who does this and that and what it all means. I found it very interesting and really thought provoking. India does this to me.
The bride was 18, (There is no judgement of her on my part she is a lovely young woman who I wish a very happy life.) I simply keep thinking, "What would I be like at 18 in that situation? She was very composed, she had a team of people to help her get dressed and be in the right place for the blessing, passing her water and holding this and that for her whilst she sat beneath glaringly hot lights while a camera man filmed the whole thing so people she barely knew could sit and watch from all over the huge outdoor venue. She walked behind her husband to be, her dupatta tied to his scarf, eyes cast down, seven times around the fire and then they were married. From what I could see, she was everything a good, obedient bride should be.
Firstly I know I have been raised completely differently. In fact Indian parents would have hated 18 year old me, I was disobedient, independent, opinionated, a pain in the arse (my mum would say). I was by no means a rebel, I was much more subtle, but like most UK 18 year olds I did what I wanted, and I wanted to get out in the world, with my friends, with boys, doing everything and anything I could think of that was new and fun. That was definitely never going to include getting married. I can only imagine most Indian 18 year olds are like this too, right? So why is getting married at 18 on the cards for them and not for us?
The legal age for marriage in the UK is 16!! No one should get married at 16 in my opinion, I don't know how many kids actually do, but I definitely wouldn't advise any young person to do it. I digress!
In India the legal age is 18 for women and 21 for men, but there is a much more obvious child marriage problem in India, (not to say it doesn't happen in UK, but it is less prevelent) and actual children some not yet reaching double figures are married off to much older men, for reasons of dowry, family honour, poverty, generally girls are not highly valued members of a family or society in general. Having daughters is seen as a costly business, their weddings funds are started up as soon as they are born and in the end what is it all for?
(I really don't understand either why men have a three year wait untl 21, just another glaringly obvious gender equality issue)
So what about love? A good number of marriages for young people in India are arranged by their families. I have no clue how an 18 year old (with an 18 year old's mentality) agrees to be with one person for the rest of their adult life who has been chosen by their parents and looks ok after one meeting or on paper. There are so many questions I know I can't answer here but I am going to ask them anyway because I keep thinking them. For example; How do you marry someone you're not in love with? Ok so this idea of Love is a very modern western concept, but it's one we are very attached too. In recent British history people married for convenience, wealth, status, it was hardly ever about love. But how does that relationship work? How do you try to develop feelings of Like for someone under the pressure of I'm going to have to marry and live with them anyway? We all grow up, both in the UK, India, the whole world now learning about Love, finding someone who loves you, respects you, but also someone you want to be with, spend time, have things in common, someone who can make you laugh, makes you feel good, makes you happy!
What parent is comfortable arranging this for their child? Do they really know best?
I think the question for me is? Would I be happy for my parents to produce someone one day because I am still single, who they believe is the best match for me and to arrange for us to get married? Not only that, but would I allow it? Hell No!!!
I don't have that kind of relationship with my family that I believe facilitates this. That is not a bad thing. I don't need my family to be dictating my life. They gave birth to me, but do not own me. I think that is a point of difference in our cultures where I know familiy relationships are seen as unbreakable ties.
On the other side of this cultural divide I have seen first hand what pressure from one's family can do. How it can force you to make decisions you don't feel you want or should have to make. Family ties being severed for life or an ecrutiating long and lonely time because they don't believe in the way you want to live your life, or the choice in job, lifestyle or partner. And then there is the heartbreak of not being able to disagree or disobey your family's will and the losses you have to suffer on your own instead. Maybe agreeing to an arrangement to keep the peace?!
I know I couldn't do it. Firsly admit to my parents I need their help to find me someone suitable. Ok yes I've not done the best job so far, but everyone makes mistakes. Therefore the reality of my love life is I am 29, and I'm happy I didn't get married at 18, or to my first or any of the subsequent boyfriendseither.
I am also a sucker for Love and I know that the only time I will say yes to getting married (if at all) is if there is one person I Love and want to be with for the rest of my life. It might not go down in conversation very well in India, but sorry people that's the truth.
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