Day 3 - Luigi

I have an awesome, gorgeous, wonderful, talented, cheeky and ever surprising Godson.
He is 19 months old and the son of my oldest and best friend. I love him to bits.

Saturday night was my first time babysitting him on my own. EEEEEeeeek I was a bit scared.

I have to say I'm not a natural baby person. I have got better with some practice with other little people but just me and Luigi on our own? so many things could go wrong!
He has an adventurous streak and likes to climb on things that are high and have sharp edges or near glass and electronics. His main aim is to climb onto the arms of the sofa in order to launch himself off and land on the cushions and bounce up and down. He also likes to be picked up and dropped on the sofa by me many many many times over and over. Great game, good for the bingo wings!
He opens doors and is constantly attracted to buttons and switches, every plug socket and device in the house needs to be found and pushed or flicked on and off. He also adores stairs mostly running away and climbing up them. It sounds like a nightmare but we had so much fun and I really enjoyed spending so much one on one time with him.
He was absolutely fine when his mum and dad left for work for the evening. The tiniest bit of shyness crept in when he realised it was just me and him but once I started a game and got him giggling he was more than happy to jump around on the sofa, sit and pop balloons, read stories and sing songs as I attempted to get him to eat food, wipe his nose, put on his pjs and get him to bed.

I feel so grateful I get to spend time with this little person and to see him enjoy spending time with me too. Knowing he recognises me and feels safe and comfortable around me is such a special feeling.

He has such a personality. I can see traits from both his parents shining through but also unique things that are purely his own ways of doing things. I am so excited to see him grow up, I can't wait to be able to have conversations with him. Know what he is thinking. Hear the questions he will ask. Share days out and take him to see new things and teach him stuff too. But for right now I am more than happy to be able to pick him up, have big toddler cuddles and sloppy Luigi kisses.

Day 2 - Something unexpected happened

Sorry I'm late. I didn't manage to post - but I have reasons. One being the title of this post.

On Thursday I was having a late lunch at my current temp job, when the phone rang with a number I didn't recognise. Normally I would't answer, but for some fanciful reason I did.

It was for a new job. Long story short I went for a chat and an interview - thought maybe I hadn't done great as the interview was so short but not half an hour later before I had even got half way home the phone rang and the job was mine! Hurrah

What was really cool about it all was that I didn't even apply, an agency found my cv online, put my cv forward with a bunch of other applicants and I was successful, and I start tomorrow. I'm pretty excited. It seems like a great job, a little bit of a commute from Shrewsbury to Telford but I'm hoping it will be just the thing I have been waiting for the past few months.

That's why Thursday and Friday evenings I was unable to post as I was driving to and from an exciting new opportunity and the weekend will be explained in my other catch up posts.

I will get better at updating each day! I just know it!

Give it 100

Have a dream, idea, hare-brained or otherwise and not knowing how to get there but starting the journey anyway.

Here I go, writing a blog post every day for 100 days.

Why? I hear you ask… well I’ve decided to Give it 100.

“Give it 100 is a place for people who live life 100%!” so the website Giveit100.com says. "Choose what you want to get better at and share a 10 second video of your progress every day for 100 days straight."

Realistically I wanted something I could achieve every day and stick to for 100 days. Definitely not anything exercise related!!

I want to get better at writing, most of all I want to get better at motivating myself, committing to something and sticking with it. 100 days seems a lot but I think if I can do this then my motivation for other things can be improved on too (like exercise).

Writing on my blog always gives me a sense of fulfilment, clears my mind and gets all the random thoughts and emotions out onto the page.

I have so many potential post ideas, nowhere near a hundred, but that too is where the challenge lies, but getting through the list of ideas I’ve had saved on my iphone will be satisfying in itself.

I can guarantee they won’t all be long, I will hopefully get better at taking photos and including them on here too but I am determined to do my best to write 100 posts over the next 100 days, starting with today!!! Wish me luck :D

Dear Teenage self

I'm turning 30 this year. Which actually doesn't feel like a big deal because my state of mind and level of happiness is at an all time high. I am extremely content with myself and what I have achieved and I have also come to embrace the ways I am different to others and that I do the things that I want to do.
As a 16 year old, an awkward, shy teenager I don't think I could have imagined my life now and how I got to where I am, not in a million years. Not because it's crazily out there and different, I'm not an astronaut or a Nobel prize winner but the things that I have been able to challenge myself with and overcome would have scared the shit out of my teenage self. With that in mind here is a letter to that younger me.

Dear Max,
I know you will like the idea of this letter, a 'window of opportunity' if you will from a future self, even if you don't believe or listen to anything I write here, know that I have thought about you and what I want to say. You are, and always will be a little bit cynical and only believe things when you have absolute certainty. That's ok. If you can trust anyone in this world, you can trust me.

I am not going to tell you what happens and spoil the surprise and the decisions you get to make.
I just want to give a bit of encouragement and belief in yourself.

Firstly, friends. From high school, college and beyond. The friends you have now are not the be all and end all. You already know that you don't really fit into the group mold that they want you to fill so don't keep trying. You will make and keep the friends that are important and what makes them so is that they are there for you, as well as you being there for them. No judgement. You feel your true self and even through long absences and great distance your friendship remains. Not all your teenage friendship will make it here. It's ok, in fact you don't even miss them.

Love and stuff is incredibly scary. How do you tell someone you like them? How could they even like you?  Do they even know you exist? How do you know you love someone?Yes I clearly remember all these fears, they don't go away even when you get older.
It will take a while for you to figure it all out, so don't feel like you need to be doing it all now! You really really don't. Do things at your own pace and don't pretend otherwise. You will meet some very interesting and attractive people and they will all be good and bad for you in equal measure and make you so incredibly happy and sad at the same time. Don't worry. Don't be afraid to feel the feelings and to do it all anyway. You learn as much about yourself as you do about them.
Being with boys gets easier. You will have lots of friends of both sexes and you will have people you connect with in special ways. Love people with all your heart, don't be afraid to get it broken. Hugging will become a thing you do and kissing and all the other good stuff too, and someone special will come along and fix the broken heart and help you put it all back together.
I am here on the other side and I am telling you it is all worth doing.
I will tell you one secret. You will encounter one person who calls you Maxxy. This person is important. But you will know that anyway. Forget about it for a while and do what you have to do. It all comes good in the end. You can trust me on this one.

One thing I have learned over time is that you need to stop thinking so little of yourself. You are funny, smart, insightful, kind and loyal. Other people see these qualities and so much more. You are a beautiful person inside and out and sometime soon you will see this. Everyone has things they don't like about themselves and it can hold you back in a lot of ways and maybe I wish I could be more confident in this area now as well as then.

Keep being funny, ridiculous and silly and keep looking for new things to try and challenge you. Your creative side is something to be proud of. The more you try the braver you will become and more opportunities will arise for you to say Yes to. This is the most important thing. Be a Yes person. Be positive and you can literally do anything.
Exams won't matter. School and education won't matter, but do it because you want to, not because you feel you have to. It doesn't matter that you keep changing your mind about what you like and what you want to do. You will keep doing that, and I hope we keep doing that for a long time to come.
Most of all be happy. You have so much to look forward to and so many plans to make, people to have fun with and places to see and explore and its all coming your way very soon.
You will be awesome no matter what you do! lots of love,

Max

Self Belief

I do have 'Self Belief' as this post is titled - the definition I am loving the most is "trusting in your own abilities" I most certainly trust myself and know what I am good at, and even go out of my way to try new things and get better at stuff I think I suck at.
I know when I have a job I can do it. It's getting someone to the stage where they want to employ me, where they have read my CV and think "Yep, we must have Maxine come and work for us!"

I am applying for jobs right now and finding it very difficult to "sell myself" and know what my skills and strengths are. Being able to write in a way that makes people want to pay me money for using these skills!! Man, that is a job I am willing to pay someone to do.

In the past, people I have worked for have asked me back on several occasions, and this has happened more than once, so I can confidently say I have skills employers want and need. I am a irreplaceable member of any team, so why oh why can I not bring myself to sit down and write a CV that I can be proud to say yep that's me. Give me the job!?

I think the self believe starts to waver when rejection enters the room. I do not do well with failure, rejection or not being good at something. I would rather not try than fail or be rejected. But realistically I know I have to try, it just takes me a long time to get the courage to do it.

I know failure is an inevitable part of life. But I can't help it. I hate that negative overwhelming feeling of "I suck at life" that I always get when I do not succeed at a thing I want to do.

In a previous post I quotes "Doing something and getting it wrong is ten times more productive than doing nothing"

I know this. This is why I feel defeated and unproductive when I put things off and do nothing. I know applying to dozens of jobs and having interviews will get me a job eventually, but right now the process and the thought of not getting a job I want is really blocking my will to try.

However, today I think I have turned a corner because there is a job that has presented itself to me that I really want and have sat down and filled in the application consequently giving myself enough skills and motivation to use in an actual CV that sounds good, and hopefully will sound good to employers and this particular employer most of all.
 From now on, my self belief is going to flow through me at all times and when the time comes I will trust that my abilities will shine through and I will get the awesome job I want!

2015 - New Year's Resolutions

I don't often make or keep resolutions, but there are a few things now the New Year is here that I think would be a benefit to me and make 2015 a pretty memorable year.

1.  Write more - I really like writing. I used to keep a journal growing up and wrote in it nearly every single day, right through my teens and university and I think I stopped when I got to summer camp and my days were so busy I had less and less time to write things down, which was a shame because sometimes the brain needs a way to vent, and gather thoughts and de-compartmentalise things to help me figure out what is really going on. Over the last 2 years I have kept blogs to record the big life changing travel experience and I still enjoy reading my thoughts and feelings on them but when it's a blog on the internet, sometimes I do sensor myself and that is not always healthy. 2015 is here and I have a lot of plans and new life journey stuff going on and I think its time I got the notebook out again and had a handwritten thought filled journal. I'm going to try and write a page a day and make sure I write all things I have in my life that I am thankful for.

2. Get up earlier - I am a notorious sleeper in. My boyfriend Mike is an early riser and gets so much done with his days because he gets up early. Since he met me he does enjoy lie ins a lot more. But I am beginning to think once and a while it is ok, but not all the time. However, I know realistically, I am never going to be that person who gets up at 6 or 7am. No way Jose!! Of course when I have a full time job again it will most likely be the case where I have to get up early, so on days off and weekends I want to be up and at them by 9am.

3. Procrastinate less - Kind of a similar theme to the above. Even when I do get up it takes me forever to get anything done for myself. Since returning home for India I have taken a very relaxed approach to life. I needed this time to regroup and figure out what I was going to do. I have to admit I am still not 100% sure about the path I am on but I know that putting things off is also not going to get me anyway fast. Now it is the New Year I need to knuckle down and just do it. No facebook, youtube or afternoon naps to distract me!

4. Be nice - Sometimes I don't think I am the nicest, best version of me that I can be. I have a short fuse and a quick tongue that doesn't always engage with my brain. I often hurt people's feelings because of things that I have said or done and not really meant. I am going to make a full and conscious effort to stop, think and if I can't say anything nice than saying nothing is best. I am also going to be nicer to myself. I am my own worst critic and can be much harsher on myself than others would be.

5.  Be grateful - Simple enough. I want to appreciate what I have and not take it forgranted. Not be materialistic. Use my money wisely and for things that will bring me and others happiness and joy.

Phir Milenge Sangam

I found it really easy to write and reflect on my Tare experience. Even though it was only 18 months ago I was in a completely different place in my life. The time was so much shorter, it felt like a heart beat and it was over, I had a definite path I wanted to tread, and I knew what it was that I was there to do and my achievements were mapped in my mind. At the end of those 3 months I was not ready to leave Sangam and India at all.

This time it is a little different. It is much more bittersweet to be leaving. This time I am more than ready to be going home. This time I am more than ready to start my "Something New", but still it is hard to close on something that has been such a huge part of my life for the past 3 years. 

Sangam is a special place, and I have seen and shared so many life changing experiences with so many people, I have seen so many faces come and go, unsure, wary, nervous to explore our amazing centre in the middle of crazy chaotic India and I have felt many of the feelings that these people have felt too, getting ready for an exploration of a new exotic place and having many exciting adventures, and now it is all ending.

Yesterday I had my 'exit interview' with my good friend, wonderful Sangam Staff member, and big sister Cate, and I realised that even though I am leaving, earlier than planned, and on a little bit of a downbeat note, I need to be thinking what I will be taking away with me from this experience, and I have learned some really valuable lessons and things to be going forward with...

 1. You can't be someone you are not!!  - "One of the hardest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that's trying to make you like everyone else." Someone will always be prettier, smarter, funnier. But they will never be me!! Never have my life, my loves, my experiences. I don't need to change so people will like me, and I will never change the way I am just to fit in. I don't need to be like anyone else to get a job done. I just need to be the most authentic and happiest version of myself that I can be, and that is what everyone else wants from me too!

2. Face my insecurities and problems head on - This is a real tricky one for me and one I will be continuing to grow with. I know we aren't supposed to be able to instantly solve problems, that it's ok to ask for help and support and get the input and ideas of other people. No one can do it all by themselves. But as a capable, independent and some would say "stroppy" woman I don't like to need others help, and find it immensely difficult to ask for it. Sangam has taught me that it's ok to stumble and fall, and have others help me up, this is the whole purpose of living, to face problems, learn, adapt and solve them over the course of time. This is what ultimately moulds us into the person we become.

 3. Everyone makes mistakes -  Oops I did it wrong! So what, learn from it, get over it and move on. Again easier said than done but it is getting easier to accept that I do make mistakes. "Doing something and getting it wrong is ten times more productive than doing nothing".. It's true that you only regret the things you did not do far more than things you did and got wrong. At least I tried and I am learning to embrace the bad with the good, learn from it and do not hold on to the negatives but move forward to the positives and what can be taken from the situation. Everyone makes mistakes, it's not just me!

4. Stop thinking you're not ready  - Does anyone feel 100% ready when an opportunity arises? Most great opportunities in life force us to grow beyond our comfort zones, which means we won't feel totally comfortable at first. However, there have been so many amazing things I have experienced and achieved because I did it anyway. Those are the things that will keep driving me forward and make me more ready in the future to take on new challenges. Being a little bit scared and a little bit unprepared and ready to 'wing it' can be kind of fun and interesting and has taught me some of the most important lessons along the way.

 5. FREE BEING ME! - Probably one of the most influential things I have been a part of at Sangam! To stop comparing myself to others and be happy and accept all of the wonderful things that I am and that I can do. This above everything else is something that I want to continue in the future for others as well as myself.

6. You can't control everything. Be patient, be flexible and go with the flow - Most people who know me think that I find this easy... WRONG. I like to be in control a lot. But in India and a lot of times therefore in Sangam stuff does not go to plan or on time and Plan B, C, & D are needed but Hey it's all good. I can handle that. People also know how impatient I am... and as Anu Karkare is believed to have said "Patience, lets have patience" is one of my frequently used quotes in my head and out loud these days. And I am finding it does work, mostly.

7. Seeing the beauty of small moments - It really is the little things that can change a bad day into an awesome one. Playing with the children at deep Griha creche, laughing uncontrollably at chai time, watching the sunset, enjoying the chaos of a bus ride, watching the world go by at the river side, or having someone make an effort to say Thank You and appreciate your efforts. Being part of someone's Sangam story no matter how small that part is, can really make the world of difference. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of life here I have forgotten this, but I know it is true because after all it is the reason why I came back!

8. Be Grateful -  No matter how good or bad things are each day be thankful for whatever good there is because someone somewhere else is desperately trying to find the good in theirs. Instead of thinking about what I may be missing try thinking about what I have and how lucky I truly am to be me and to have had all the choices, freedom and opportunities that have been given to me.

9. Give myself time  - Some things don't happen straight away. I can't be good at everything the first time I try and some things are not meant to be when you first experience them. But don't give up, keep trying and it will be worth it in the end. Give other people time too. Get to know them, understand them and encourage them and they will surprise and amaze you and make you so proud!

10. Say Yes!! To everything -  This opportunity and so many others wouldn't have happened without that one positive affirmation. You have to grab things with both hands and say Yes. If I wake up with the thought each morning that something wonderful will happen today, it very often does but it always starts with answering a question with YES!

I will dearly miss All of my Sangam Family but I know now is the right time for me to go and find the path for my next adventure and my Something New .... Love you all <3 xxx Max